For Women-Avoiding Disappointments

Men are a lot happier when they don't have to guess what their women want.


I  know that i always hoped my husband would do certain things and when he didn't then i was disappointed and angry and it got neither of us anywhere! Its always better to be straightforward.

If you want something special (gift, flowers, vacations, etc.), tell him straight out. He is not a mind reader, nor does he want to disappoint you. Give him the ability to please and pamper you by being specific about what you would like to happen and when.

Getting Rid of Sin, the Right Way.

It's been a huge journey to me, these last 10 years. I have learned so much about sin and it's intricacies, especially when it comes to addictions. I still have much to learn.

I had the chance to see my mentors, Eldon and Judy again last Wednesday. I was amazed at the wisdom in something that Eldon said, relating to his own journey through sin and addiction.

He said, "You see, I had repented for my sin of lying, but I never repented of the nature of being a liar."

When we accept Christ as our Savior, we are able to have the Nature of God in us. When we sin, whose nature is it that is in us? Well, the bible states that God does not and cannot sin. Therefore, it is Satan's nature in us.

When we confess our sins to the Lord, we must not just repent of the act of sin (lying) but also the nature of the sin (being a liar). It is twofold. We can't simply say "forgive me for lying, I'll never do it again!". We have to realize that it is Satan's nature in us that is the ultimate root inside us. We must seek forgiveness for allowing that nature to be in us, we must rebuke Satan and take authority over that nature in us, and invite the Lord to fill it with His nature.

I believe addictions are addictions because we focus only on the symptom (lying) and not on the illness (nature of the Liar). Keep in mind that the bible speaks over and over about the Lord delivering us from our enemies. Not once does it talk about the Lord delivering us from our friends. When we have an addiction, we may genuinely desire to be free from it, but we first have to make the decision that that thing is our enemy and not our friend. So, let me ask you, what are you struggling with? Have you made that thing your enemy? Or is it still your friend?

The Paradigm Of Marriage

You know, I have always thought that marriage was about two people deciding to spend their lives together because they have a really close relationship and they've decided that they don't want to live life without that person. And I have watched many marriages fall apart over many different things resulting in a dissolution of the marriage.

I think to myself, "there has got to be more than this". And I am right. There is more. There is much much more!

You see, marriage is not so much about being together, getting our needs met, and meeting the needs of the other person. That sounds like a list of expectations to me! ((See my post on expectations)). I've realized and researched that the marriage covenant was not designed for needs to get met, rather, it was designed to refine us.

When we enter marriage with the correct paradigm, it allows us to be free from expectations, disappointments, and ultimately divorce, because we understand the true purpose of the marriage covering. And the marriage covering is ultimately designed to be a safe place for two individuals to work out their individual issues to become the people God has designed them to be.

You see, we are all imperfect. We all have loads of things keeping us from achieving both the relationships with God and others we are designed to have, AND fulfill our purpose that God has ordained for us.

Do you see it? When we go into marriage knowing that we are to be like iron sharpening iron...to challenge each other to grow and change and seek the Lord and His will...we are immediately free to be who we are! Free from expectations, free to have our voids filled by the Lord, who is the only One who can fill them anyway!

When we go in knowing that the relationship is for us to be able to NOT BE OKAY, to NOT BE PERFECT, to NOT LIVE UP TO ANYTHING, to simply be who we are, we are free to grow. And even more than that, when we go in knowing that we may get hurt but that God is simply refining us and the other person, there is no fear, and there is no threats, especially of divorce. That person is there to walk with us through the refining process, they are not out to get us, they are acting in our best interest and we can believe the best about them! And we can believe the best about God.

Change your paradigm. Your marriage is not for you to get your needs met. Your marriage is for you to get rid of your trash, your spouse to get rid of their trash, and for the two of you to be everything that humans were designed to be and one with God.

Old Wood, New Life

I've painted my porches.
Yes, its very close to winter, but I decided to tackle this project. With the help of my close friend, and a week of lovely weather, we got the primer coat done.
As I painted the first post, I was struck by the vibrant effect that the white paint gave to the weathered and scarred post. It was as if each stroke on paint applied by me breathed new life into the wood before me.
I imagined myself coming before the Lord, looking just like those posts--weathered, scarred, their paint peeling--and I remember feeling that those porches looked like no one took care of them. And just like I dedicated some time to painting those porches, God takes time for me. He breathes new life into me, He sands down the rough and damaged places, He washes away the dirt and dust of time, and He applies a new layer of paint to me.
I pull in my driveway now and the difference that the paint on the porches has made astounds me. The entire house looks cared for, vibrant, alive. Like its residents care about it and it shines through to the outside.
The Lord resides inside of me. And He has taken down the "house" that was the life that I had built. He has laid a new foundation for it, and He is rebuilding my "house" each day to reflect its resident-Himself.  

Romance and Reality

So, amidst the "housecleaning" that God has been doing for me and my marriage, He has also been shattering perceptions that I have had about various things. One of them being romance and what I want from a man.

Picture this: it is the Friday before Mother's day and I get a call from my husband. He says that he is on his way home from a morning meeting to give me an early gift because he can't keep it hidden until Sunday as it "needs taken care of". I am all excited because I have been telling him for the last few weeks how much I want a new puppy and it would mean the world to me if he would buy me one. So I am just bouncing off the walls with anticipation, wondering if he would be so crazy about me to do such a romantic thing for me! (I know, I will talk about assumptions another time.)

He pulls in the driveway and walks in the house with a cardboard box. Inside the box? Filet mignon.

Yeah.

The emotions that went through my heart and the thoughts that went through my head were not topic for public conversation. Let's just say that I had told him earlier that week how much I hate to cook...

Finally he asks me what I think. I am about to cry. I struggle to say thank you, and am at a loss for other words, when my friend Leah walks in the door. She took one look at my face and Karl's and says "Is this a bad time?" I said no, please stay.

God used Leah that day in a huge way. She took some time to understand Karl and his reason for purchasing this particular gift. She allowed me to express my frustration and anger. She reminded me of some very simple truths: That my husband had not only thought of me, but spent a lot of money on me, AND he used one of his greatest gifts...the gift of creativity. As I thought about and dwelled on these truths, I realized that my own expectations, my own perceptions, even my own judgments were keeping me from enjoying my husband and his creativity and spontaneity.

Over the next days, my realization was tested again. Karl informed me that the date he had planned for me for mother's day was to include Laser Tag. Again, wow. This time, however, I channeled my reaction, I bounced my thoughts off of what I knew to be true, and I happily agreed.

We not only played a great game of Laser Tag, but we watched a Laser Show and played racing games in the arcade. We really connected to each other emotionally and walked away having a wonderful day.

It wasn't until afterwards that I discovered a new and amazing truth. I asked my girlfriends what they did for Mother's day. Their husbands let them sleep in, made them breakfast in bed, watched the kids while they relaxed, and took them out for dinner. Now, in my world, that would have been the "ideal" mother's day. But you know what, when I heard what their day consisted of I thought well, that's...boring.

Why were those things the "ideal"? Who says that those things will make you happy? Where did these ideas come from?

Looking back, I realize that this stems so much deeper. Every woman has their version of the ideal man, and they are all very similar. Even the things that we dream that our men should do for us are similar. Where does this come from? Why do I want this? Is this even real?

I was playing my Pandora the other day and the station I had it on played, of all things, the earliest secular influence that I remember...a band called New Kids On The Block. There were two songs in particular that I remember, Please Don't Go Girl and I'll Be Loving You Forever. Now, if I look at the lyrics and I look at the fact that these songs were guys singing to the girls they loved, it makes a lot of sense how my young, impressionable mind told me that this was normal, and that someday I would have a guy speaking words like this to me. Words that declared that he would do anything for me and I would be the center of his universe. It's no wonder why many women enter relationships wanting to be romanced, wanting to be the center of his world, wanting to know that he will never leave and that she is his first and only priority. And it isn't any wonder why so many women are so disappointed and feel let down by their men.

Back to my mother's day...where did those mother's day ideas come from? Probably the chick flicks and the hallmark cards. But you know what? I don't want a typical mother's day. I want the creativity, the spontaneity, the realness and wholeness of letting my husband go all out in the ways that he wants to to show how much he loves me. There is nothing like allowing him to speak his heart to me, his way.

It was the best mother's day ever.

I am humbled.

Hebrews 4:14-16 states that Christ understands our hurt for He has experienced the very same feelings that you have experienced. Not only that, but that we will find His grace and mercy when we need it most. 


Just the realization that the Holy God of the universe lived a human life like mine, and He felt every emotion that I have felt is overwhelming to me! I feel so humbled...so in awe.


But yet, more importantly, somehow I feel so understood. There is a longing inside all of us to be understood and accepted as we are. To think that the only one who truly understands me fully, and accepts me fully, is God, reassures me and brings me peace and hope. And the courage to move on. 


"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings that we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it the most." -Hebrews 4:14-16

Fears

"I believe that God will give us all the strength we need to help us in times of distress. But He never gives it in advance, lest we should rely on ourselves and not on Him alone. A faith such as this should allay all our fears for the future." -Dietrich Boenhoffer


I've been thinking a lot about the fears that I have of the future and the feeling of wanting to be in control. It seems that when we are in the midst of great pain, we are often able to surrender to God and it becomes clear that we don't really have control anyway. 


Then when life is good, we tend to be lax, but we also tend to orchestrate our circumstances more to control while we can, or at least feel like we are in control. 


My husband and I began reading some of "The Practice of the Presence of God" and one of the things that Brother Lawrence speaks of is the simple knowing that if God is in control of the things that are fearsome to us, then why should we even trouble ourselves with them? In other words, deep down we know that God IS in control and we are NOT, so why should we even trouble ourselves? 


This concept can only make sense if you pair it with another: A relationship with God is simply to seek him each moment of our day. When we do this, not only are we at peace and at rest, but we know that we are safe and in faith. 


Such a faith as this allays all of our fears simply because we are living in the presence of God.