This one's for you. The person in pain because of an unfaithful spouse. Unfaithful is defined as those engaged in pornography, emotional attachments/affairs, and physical affairs.
Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to address several things. First off, I speak from experience. I've experienced all three. Secondly, the emotions are real. This does not downplay the onslaught of feelings that come with finding out your spouse is involved in any of these things. The emotions are completely legitimate and must be dealt with at some point if healing and restoration are to be acheived.
I only speak these things because through this process, my marriage has been redeemed. But not only has it been redeemed, its been blessed beyond what I thought possible!
I'd like to address the feelings first. What you're feeling is betrayal, abandonment, rejection, confusion, shame, disbelief, uncertainity, out-of-control, anger, angst, and more. This is ok and healthy. You now, however, have a choice with what to do with your emotions, and ultimately your future.
What is going on now, is a battle for your mind. Whoever wins this battle will hold not only your future, but your children's and grandchildren's and great-grandchildren's and great-great-grandchildren's and more. (Exodus 20:5b) ((For a biblical example of generational patterns, read Genesis 12:10 to 39:10 to see the pattern of deceit in Abram's family and how Joseph ended it.))
For every beautiful Truth of God, Satan has a mirror he holds up. This mirror may appear to be truth, but it is a lie. Remember, the only weapon Satan has is lies. And his only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10)
Let's look at the thoughts that may be in your mind right now:
"It is normal to want attention from the opposite sex." Ok, while yes, it is human to want this, it does not mean it is right or good or even healthy. This one was a hard one for me to swallow because at the same time I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness, I was reintroduced to a male friend from the past. What was interesting was that his wife had just cheated on him as well. We began to talk and support each other, often texting late into the night. While we prayed often for each other and both desired reconciliation with our spouses, we soon began to look forward to talking, and became each other's stability and "okay-ness". Satan had taken something that began innocent and used it to distract both him and I from reconciling with our spouses. Instead of taking our insecurities and need to "be ok" to Jesus, we were using each other as a false god to get our needs met. We became each others "false comforters"--a legal and religiously acceptable "comfort" that takes the place of the Holy Spirit, who is to be our true comforter. (Jn 14:15-17 KJV) It wasn't until I repented of this destructive (to myself, my kids, and my husband) behavior that I was able to focus on God and His Best for me.
You may be saying "But you don't know how long I've tried to hang on!" Yes, I do. I walked through multiple instances of porn, emotional affairs, and a physical affair. I hung on for more than 10 years. This again, is where Satan likes to throw his lies. The lie that you "can't hang on any longer". Truth is, you can. You "can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." (Philipians 4:13) And, as a believer, you are an heir to the very nature of Christ (2 Peter 1:3-4) and therefore have the fruits or gifts of the Spirit, which include love and patience. (Galatians 5:22-23). And if we have love, God's love, we are called to never give up because "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, or boastful or proud or rude. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged...Love never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) If you are believing the lie that you cannot hang on any longer, than you are rejecting the divine nature given to you by Christ and accepting the nature of Satan. When I repented of believing this lie, I was able to disarm the next lie:
"God is protecting me from my cheating spouse" and "God must have better for me". First of all, to say these things is to believe lies about the very nature/truth of God. 2 Timothy 2:25 says that truth helps us to escape bondage and Ephesians 4:14 says that God's truth brings clarity. To top it off, 3 John 3-4 says that truth gives us and others JOY when we live by it. Let's look at what divorce does. Divorce causes division between the spouses, between the child(ren) and the parents, and between siblings because they often have to pick a "side" to be on. Divorce causes confusion, pain, suffering, and sets children up to divorce as well (generational pattern). Divorce brings confusion, emotional upset and general upheaval. Are these things of God? No. In fact, Malachi 2:16 says "'I hate divorce!', declares the Lord, God of Israel." God is a God of reconcilation, of peace, of love, of hope, of joy, of satisfaction, and more. Therefore, when I convince myself that I can divorce, or God is protecting me, or God has better for me, I am partnering with Satan in his lies.
In fact, the most amazing thing that God did when He created us, was to give us the ability to choose. Think about how much His heart was grieved to know, that while we could choose Him, we could also reject Him. And even more than that, He knew that in giving us choice, we would also bear the pain of the choices of others. God cannot shield us from the painful concequences of the choices of others. What He does do, however, is bind up the broken-hearted (Isaiah 61:1) and replace shame and dishonor with a double share of honor (Isaiah 61:7).
God can ONLY do this when we choose HIS truth over the skewed "truth" of our emotions and of the world. With Christians, Satan often takes us a few feet off course--just far enough to cause us to "feel" different from other Christians and justify areas of sin because we "feel" above or different from others. This is especially true in affairs. We often make a judgement against our cheating spouse that "we are better than them" because we aren't the one that screwed up. This is perhaps the most dangerous lie and also the most dangerous form of unforgiveness because it leads to bitterness and justification of all our future actions. I remember fighting with my husband saying things like "Well if YOU hadn't screwed up this wouldn't have happened!". First of all, this is unforgiveness because it continually blames and brings up past wrongs. Second of all, the bible warns us that we will be judged according to how we judge (Matthew 7:1-2). According to Romans 2:1-2 we have no right to judge for we are just as bad and we are to leave revenge to the Lord (Romans 12:19). When we hold our spouse in unforgiveness, we are also dishonoring God's command in Ephesians 5:33 to love/respect our spouse. Psalm 51:10 did not change David's past, but it did allow him to change his present and future and be healed from the past. (Psalm 118:5-9)
The key to our healing rests in full forgiveness (not just verbal forgiveness). You've been through a lot of trauma. The way to fully heal is to recognize areas of unforgiveness. Here are some examples to help you discover areas where you might be holding unforgiveness:
* Judgments against our spouse ("Well, if you hadn't done this, we wouldn't be going through this right now!""You haven't really changed!")
*Revenge (making them feel guilty, playing the blame game, bringing up the past, giving the silent treatment, or doing the same thing your spouse did so your spouse will know how it feels)
*Inner vows you've made ("I will NEVER be like him/her!")
*Dishonoring behaviors (lashing out verbally, pursuing relationships with opposite gender, pursuing divorce)
Repenting of the above behaviors will allow God's truth to guide your decisions and change the path of your life. Remember you are not the only one affected by your choices. Your children's and grandchildren's and great-grandchildren's and great-great-grandchildren's eternity and life path's are also at stake.
There are two pulls on your will right now--God's and Satan's. God desires reconciliation. Satan desires to destroy. Each choice aligns us with either God's will or Satan's. 1 John 3:19 says "Our actions will show that we belong to the Truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God." Isaiah 1:19-20 says "If you be WILLING AND OBEDIENT, you shall eat the good of the land." What a beautiful promise of hope for us when we choose His way! The alternative? "But if you refuse and rebel you will be devoured with the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it."
The path of forgiveness and reconciliation is not easy. It requires effort and intentionally looking at your own heart and not your spouses. Here are some steps* to help you walk in forgiveness:
Remember to say these things out loud because the "tongue has the power of life or death" (Proverbs 18:20) and that this is simply a guideline, not an end all so allow the Lord to speak to you as you walk this path.
Step one: Repent of holding unforgiveness and ask the Lord to forgive you for your sin of unforgiveness.
Step two: Confess specific judgments you made against whomever inflicted hurt and disappointment upon you, asking God to forgive you for these judgments.
Step three: Break the power of the judgments that held you in and pray a blessing on those involved.
Step four: Confess and repent of any revenge (be specific) and ask God to reverse the curse of revenge
Step five: Confess and repent of any inner vows (be specific) and break the power in Jesus's name of the vows that hold you in.
Step six: Confess and repent of the sin of dishonoring your spouse
Step seven: Confess and repent of the sin of dishonoring God through unforgiveness
Step eight: Take authority over any bitter roots that developed as a result of unforgiveness and resentment
Step nine: Release/hand over the hurt to Jesus. He already carried it for you.
Step ten: Practice James 5:16--pray for your spouse's heart to be healed (out loud with your spouse)
Step eleven: Ask the Lord to fill you with HIS love for your spouse
May God bless you richly as you walk toward wholeness in Him and reconciliation with your spouse. You will be richly blessed according to James 1:22-25!
*The steps of forgivness are copyrighted material 2003 Personal Freedom in Christ Ministries. Used with permission. www.personalfreedominchrist.com
