My Spouse Cheated. What Should I Do?

This one's for you. The person in pain because of an unfaithful spouse. Unfaithful is defined as those engaged in pornography, emotional attachments/affairs, and physical affairs.

Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to address several things. First off, I speak from experience. I've experienced all three. Secondly, the emotions are real. This does not downplay the onslaught of feelings that come with finding out your spouse is involved in any of these things. The emotions are completely legitimate and must be dealt with at some point if healing and restoration are to be acheived.
I only speak these things because through this process, my marriage has been redeemed. But not only has it been redeemed, its been blessed beyond what I thought possible!

I'd like to address the feelings first. What you're feeling is betrayal, abandonment, rejection, confusion, shame, disbelief, uncertainity, out-of-control, anger, angst, and more. This is ok and healthy. You now, however, have a choice with what to do with your emotions, and ultimately your future.

What is going on now, is a battle for your mind. Whoever wins this battle will hold not only your future, but your children's and grandchildren's and great-grandchildren's and great-great-grandchildren's and more. (Exodus 20:5b) ((For a biblical example of generational patterns, read Genesis 12:10 to 39:10 to see the pattern of deceit in Abram's family and how Joseph ended it.))

For every beautiful Truth of God, Satan has a mirror he holds up. This mirror may appear to be truth, but  it is a lie. Remember, the only weapon Satan has is lies. And his only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10)

Let's look at the thoughts that may be in your mind right now:

"It is normal to want attention from the opposite sex." Ok, while yes, it is human to want this, it does not mean it is right or good or even healthy. This one was a hard one for me to swallow because at the same time I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness, I was reintroduced to a male friend from the past. What was interesting was that his wife had just cheated on him as well. We began to talk and support each other, often texting late into the night. While we prayed often for each other and both desired reconciliation with our spouses, we soon began to look forward to talking, and became each other's stability and "okay-ness". Satan had taken something that began innocent and used it to distract both him and I from reconciling with our spouses. Instead of taking our insecurities and need to "be ok" to Jesus, we were using each other as a false god to get our needs met. We became each others "false comforters"--a legal and religiously acceptable "comfort" that takes the place of the Holy Spirit, who is to be our true comforter. (Jn 14:15-17 KJV) It wasn't until I repented of this destructive (to myself, my kids, and my husband) behavior that I was able to focus on God and His Best for me.

You may be saying "But you don't know how long I've tried to hang on!" Yes, I do. I walked through multiple instances of porn, emotional affairs, and a physical affair. I hung on for more than 10 years. This again, is where Satan likes to throw his lies. The lie that you "can't hang on any longer". Truth is, you can. You "can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." (Philipians 4:13) And, as a believer, you are an heir to the very nature of Christ (2 Peter 1:3-4) and therefore have the fruits or gifts of the Spirit, which include love and patience. (Galatians 5:22-23). And if we have love, God's love, we are called to never give up because "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, or boastful or proud or rude. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged...Love never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) If you are believing the lie that you cannot hang on any longer, than you are rejecting the divine nature given to you by Christ and accepting the nature of Satan. When I repented of believing this lie, I was able to disarm the next lie:

"God is protecting me from my cheating spouse" and "God must have better for me". First of all, to say these things is to believe lies about the very nature/truth of God. 2 Timothy 2:25 says that truth helps us to escape bondage and Ephesians 4:14 says that God's truth brings clarity. To top it off, 3 John 3-4 says that truth gives us and others JOY when we live by it. Let's look at what divorce does. Divorce causes division between the spouses, between the child(ren) and the parents, and between siblings because they often have to pick a "side" to be on. Divorce causes confusion, pain, suffering, and sets children up to divorce as well (generational pattern). Divorce brings confusion, emotional upset and general upheaval. Are these things of God? No. In fact, Malachi 2:16 says "'I hate divorce!', declares the Lord, God of Israel." God is a God of reconcilation, of peace, of love, of hope, of joy, of satisfaction, and more. Therefore, when I convince myself that I can divorce, or God is protecting me, or God has better for me, I am partnering with Satan in his lies.

In fact, the most amazing thing that God did when He created us, was to give us the ability to choose. Think about how much His heart was grieved to know, that while we could choose Him, we could also reject Him. And even more than that, He knew that in giving us choice, we would also bear the pain of the choices of others. God cannot shield us from the painful concequences of the choices of others. What He does do, however, is bind up the broken-hearted (Isaiah 61:1) and replace shame and dishonor with a double share of honor (Isaiah 61:7).

God can ONLY do this when we choose HIS truth over the skewed "truth" of our emotions and of the world. With Christians, Satan often takes us a few feet off course--just far enough to cause us to "feel" different from other Christians and justify areas of sin because we "feel" above or different from others. This is especially true in affairs. We often make a judgement against our cheating spouse that "we are better than them" because we aren't the one that screwed up. This is perhaps the most dangerous lie and also the most dangerous form of unforgiveness because it leads to bitterness and justification of all our future actions. I remember fighting with my husband saying things like "Well if YOU hadn't screwed up this wouldn't have happened!".  First of all, this is unforgiveness because it continually blames and brings up past wrongs. Second of all, the bible warns us that we will be judged according to how we judge (Matthew 7:1-2). According to Romans 2:1-2 we have no right to judge for we are just as bad and we are to leave revenge to the Lord (Romans 12:19). When we hold our spouse in unforgiveness, we are also dishonoring God's command in Ephesians 5:33 to love/respect our spouse. Psalm 51:10 did not change David's past, but it did allow him to change his present and future and be healed from the past. (Psalm 118:5-9)

The key to our healing rests in full forgiveness (not just verbal forgiveness). You've been through a lot of trauma. The way to fully heal is to recognize areas of unforgiveness. Here are some examples to help you discover areas where you might be holding unforgiveness:

* Judgments against our spouse ("Well, if you hadn't done this, we wouldn't be going through this right now!""You haven't really changed!")
*Revenge (making them feel guilty, playing the blame game, bringing up the past, giving the silent treatment, or doing the same thing your spouse did so your spouse will know how it feels)
*Inner vows you've made ("I will NEVER be like him/her!")
*Dishonoring behaviors (lashing out verbally, pursuing relationships with opposite gender, pursuing divorce)

Repenting of the above behaviors will allow God's truth to guide your decisions and change the path of your life. Remember you are not the only one affected by your choices. Your children's and grandchildren's and great-grandchildren's and great-great-grandchildren's eternity and life path's are also at stake.

There are two pulls on your will right now--God's and Satan's. God desires reconciliation. Satan desires to destroy. Each choice aligns us with either God's will or Satan's. 1 John 3:19 says "Our actions will show that we belong to the Truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God." Isaiah 1:19-20 says "If you be WILLING AND OBEDIENT, you shall eat the good of the land." What a beautiful promise of hope for us when we choose His way! The alternative? "But if you refuse and rebel you will be devoured with the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it."

The path of forgiveness and reconciliation is not easy. It requires effort and intentionally looking at your own heart and not your spouses. Here are some steps* to help you walk in forgiveness:

Remember to say these things out loud because the "tongue has the power of life or death" (Proverbs 18:20) and that this is simply a guideline, not an end all so allow the Lord to speak to you as you walk this path.

Step one: Repent of holding unforgiveness and ask the Lord to forgive you for your sin of unforgiveness.
Step two: Confess specific judgments you made against whomever inflicted hurt and disappointment upon you, asking God to forgive you for these judgments.
Step three: Break the power of the judgments that held you in and pray a blessing on those involved.
Step four: Confess and repent of any revenge (be specific) and ask God to reverse the curse of revenge
Step five: Confess and repent of any inner vows (be specific) and break the power in Jesus's name of the vows that hold you in.
Step six: Confess and repent of the sin of dishonoring your spouse
Step seven: Confess and repent of the sin of dishonoring God through unforgiveness
Step eight: Take authority over any bitter roots that developed as a result of unforgiveness and resentment
Step nine: Release/hand over the hurt to Jesus. He already carried it for you.
Step ten: Practice James 5:16--pray for your spouse's heart to be healed (out loud with your spouse)
Step eleven: Ask the Lord to fill you with HIS love for your spouse

May God bless you richly as you walk toward wholeness in Him and reconciliation with your spouse. You will be richly blessed according to James 1:22-25!

*The steps of forgivness are copyrighted material 2003 Personal Freedom in Christ Ministries. Used with permission. www.personalfreedominchrist.com

You Are More Powerful Than You Think

Proverbs 18:21 says "The tongue has the power of life or death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Do you know that what comes out of your mouth will determine your future? Do you know that where you are today, whether you like it or not, is because of your words? Your tongue controls the direction of your life! Even Jesus's life was a result of words spoken by the prophets! You have remarkable power, given by God! We are created in His very image, and just like God, your spoken words carry great weight. It is a power so great that it is capable of producing life or death depending on how it's used. The Bible tells us that our words are so powerful that they can bless or curse, encourage or discourage, hurt or heal, tear down or build up. Our words can even influence the way we act and feel as well as determine our attitude and outlook on life. Jesus said in Luke 21:33:"Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away." God's Word and the words we speak "will not return empty" (Isaiah 55:11). 

James 3:8-9 states "but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue, we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness." We cannot tame our tongues. However, we have been given the very nature of Christ, and through His nature and His power, we can carefully choose our words to produce good fruit, not only in our own lives, but in the lives of others.
A testimony came to us today of a gentleman who acknowledged that each time he drove past a topless bar, he would curse it out loud with his words. He chose to start blessing those who frequent it and those who staff it. His blessings were to bring to those "a desire for true love, righteousness, and purity". Within two weeks, management decided to close the business and get into something more honorable. 

It is a sign in our hearts that we have truly forgiven those who have cursed, offended, and hated us when we can, with spoken words, bless them with what they truly need from the Lord! 

There are two biblical examples of the power of spoken words. Mark 11:13-14, 20 shows how Jesus's words brought death and destruction. "Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it. In the morning, as they went along, the saw the fig tree withered from the roots." Jesus's words were for death, and the tree died as a result. Jesus also demonstrated that the spoken word can bring life in John 11:43-44. "When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!' And the dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped in strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, 'Take off his grave clothes, and let him go.'"

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (Proverbs 16:24) We have been entrusted a great responsibility to choose our words carefully. It is a great privilege to choose positive words in a gloom and doom society. 

Picking Up Offenses

The Lord has been very gracious to me over the last few weeks. He's been searching my heart for what isn't good there an has brought to my attention a concept foreign to me until now. It's called "picking up offenses".

You see, I am very protective of the people I love and when one of them is hurt, I hurt with them. This is healthy and this post is not intended to minimize hurt in any way, but only to call sin what it is, sin, so that we can live better and joyous lives.

There are two instances in my own life that the Lord pointed out to me. Both instances not only prevented me from being able to love my friends and their spouses fully, but kept me from being able to walk with them through some pretty tough stuff.

In the first instance, I felt hurt for my friend's husband, because in my not-so-humble opinion, she was dishonoring him. Because I felt this way (my own tainted perspective), I "picked up the offense" on his behalf, even though he did not feel offended. This took away my capability of loving her when she was hurting, and it took away God's ability to use me to show her His love through me and speak into her life through me. In the end, it hurt us both greatly and threatened to drive us apart. In His grace, God showed me that it was sin to be offended on the husband's behalf, because it was unforgiveness and judgements against her. The offense was not mine to carry. I sought her forgiveness and we were both healed from my sin.

The second instance, I was offended on my friend's behalf for something her husband did to her. The husband's sin was against God and his wife, so while it was good and healthy for me to hurt alongside her, it was sin to take her offense as my own because it became unforgiveness and judgements and resentment against him.

When a sin happens, it is first against God, then against certain people. For example, in a divorce situation, the sin is against God, the spouses and the children (and the following generations i.e. grand and greatgrandchildren). Let's say a close family friend feels the destructive power of the divorce and is very hurt. This hurt can take the person two ways: 1) and opportunity to be an ambassador of reconciliation or 2) into anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, judgements, resentment and dissention. If the friend chooses to take sides, speak negatively, or spread rumors/gossip, they are taking the path of sin. If they speak only truth congruent to the word of God, they are allowing their hurt to propel them to action in love with the goal of reconciliation.

Jesus demonstates this action beautifully in the story of the woman at the well. He told her that she had had 5 husbands and that she was currently living with another man she wasn't married. Even though her sin was against her husband and God, and though it certainly crushed his heart, Jesus did not rebuke her in anger, shun her out of judgment, or gossip about her. Instead He loved her. He encouraged her to go be healed and be reconciled.

That is what true love, God's love, does. It pushes us toward reconciliation. Love does not "process hurt" by rejection, it does not judge in anger, it does not reject with silence. Love encourages us to reconcile and make right when we fail.

I have seen the effects of picking up an offense in my own circumstance. During my husband and I's separation, a close family member became offended on my behalf. Though my husband I and were reconciled, the offense remained on their shoulders. It came out just recently in words to myself and my husband individually. It came out in words like "I don't know how you can trust him" to me, and to my husband "I don't know if you've changed or not". That person still carries an offense, a sin that wasn't even against them, and it carries very real consequences in the form of division between them and us and an inability to love us and support us.

Picking up the offenses (defined as sins that aren't against you) is a sin in of itself. It carries the consequence of division and destruction of your relatonships. Be an ambassador of reconciliation. Evaluate your responses to others, especially when you are hurt by them, to make sure that you are not sinning against them. And if you are the one that was sinned against, be sure you aren't sinning in return by judging the person that sinned against you, reacting in anger, rejecting with silence, or discussing the sin with those not involved (gossip). If you are sinned against, you too have the choice to act towards reconciliation, or act toward division.

Complaining

Ah, complaining. Now there is something that I am good at. :)

I believe that people tend to complain when they are forced to face things that they cannot control. It's amazing how often God brings me to face that which I am not in control of. Quite honestly, it is upsetting to know that I can't control things that I would prefer to control. And yes, that is when I complain.

But complaint is also as sign of something bigger and something very important. Complaining is a sign that I do not trust God. Complaining also forfeits the ability to trust God. Complaining tests the Lord...it is us saying "Is the Lord with me, or not?" God says that He is my God and I am His child. That promise does not change, regardless of my circumstances. So, it grieves His heart, it hurts God, when I complain because I am not believing His promise to me.

We often complain because we cannot see the outcome of our situations...but God does see it and according to His Word, the outcomes when we walk in blind trust to Him are good, generous, and healthy. They are always what is best for us as they heal us to make us whole people.

My intimacy with God is not based on my circumstances. If my complaining can grow during hardships, the good news is that trust can often grow in hardships. Hardships are the times of our lives when God is able to strip us of our idols, and bring us healing.

Instead of complaining, these things help me to trust God each moment during my hardships and bring me to healing and joy:
*decide to take God at His word and trust him. Sometimes the most growth comes when we make a decision rather than remain indecisive
*talk with people who share the same standards that you have and who constantly build you up. Isolation brings destruction.
*journal often about the good times and blessings you have or have had in the past. A thankful heart is truly a happy heart.

Shut Up

"Sometimes, people aren't listening. If you want their attention, you have to shout. Through the Law, God shouts that He demands no less than perfection. When we see the standard, we have no choice but to "shut up". Our mouths are silenced. We are not empowered to try harder. Nor are we safe just giving up and making a go of it without righteousness. We're caught in a predicament. And without intervention, we'd remain in a bewildered state. Like Adam and Eve, we become conscious of our nakedness before God. But there is no covering on earth that will hide our unrighteousness. The Law exposes our addiction to sin and our need for Christ."

- Andrew Farley, The Naked Gospel copyright 2009


Sometimes, rather than analyzing the bible and finding verses to back up our behaviors, it's better to just shut up. Realizing that you fall short of a glorious standard and gratitude toward Christ for giving up everything He had can be the key to changing your attitude about others, about your behavior, and about life.

Shut up.

On Discontentment and Money

"They who are of the opinion that Money will do everything, may very well be suspected to do everything for Money." - George Savile


I got this quote in an email today. It stirred something that was not at rest in my soul. It seems to me that the culture I live in is one of routine and consistency, but also one that somehow misses the mark in more ways than one. We go to school, to college, get a job, and work until we are well into our 60's. Then we suddenly decide to really live...."let's travel, let's visit friends and family, let's do all the things we have dreamed of doing for so long!"


But what about the days we have lost to work? And what about our aging bodies? The rise of autoimmune dis-ease is skyrocketing. All the more to say that we are definitely not guaranteed to have tomorrow. My uncle had just retired. He and my aunt were looking forward to traveling and time with family. He passed away this past summer, before he got to do any of it. He was a trucker, so he was gone more often than most spouses and fathers are. I know his times with his family were precious...


Is money the sole basis on which we live our lives? We trade 5 precious days out of our week, leaving two to really live. This does not feel right!


Is it possible to live on less so that we can work less? Is it possible to flee from the busy-ness of our lives? I removed myself from Facebook last April. I did not realize the effect that would have on me. Yes there have been many times when I have felt out of the loop, but then I realized how much less busy my mind is, how much less busy I am as a whole, and how much more I enjoy my children, my close friends (the ones who I actually see and spend time with face to face and who care about me in very real ways), and my family. I have reopened my account, but my husband (who also disabled his) and I agree that we do not miss it, and it is a bit of a nuisance. Our desire, or addiction if you will, to being connected online, is no longer there.


I have been discovering that it is the little things that make all the difference in the world to how content I am, how happy I am, where my Joy comes from. It doesn't come from the things that I had originally thought, but from the simplicity of how I live each day. 


Why wait until you are in your 60's to really live? Why not today? 


My husband and I are figuring out, a little late maybe, how to live on less. Over the last year, I have donated many of our unused items, thrown away the broken, useless clutter, and downsized our families "collections" of toys, trinkets, and outgrown clothing. There is much less going on in my brain, and much more gratification inside me. My house is much easier to maintain because of the lack of stuff, which gives me much more time to focus on the people in my house rather than the stuff in my house. I have much less desire to go out and spend money on things that do not last or become quickly obsolete. I have been able to take much pressure off of my husband to provide financially.


It is my desire to begin to live on less, so that I can be with my husband more. Someday, we will get him down to working 4 days a week, maybe even 3, so to maximize the time we have for each other and for our children. 


Children grow up quickly. My days of having infants are long gone. Someday soon, they will be teenagers and then they will go and live on their own. For now though, I have them with me. It isn't for a long time but I can choose to love each moment I have with them, and live so that both my husband and I can enjoy them, and each other for as long as the Lord wills. 


One of my high school acquaintances decided to take the 100 possessions challenge. Basically, you decide that you can only own 100 things. I was really thinking about the possibility of my family accepting this challenge. That would mean that each person could only have 100 things, for a total inventory in my house of 600 items. And if we desire to have new items, we would have to pass on something we already have. What would this look like? What joy would we gain from the simplicity of it all? 


Is it possible to break the cultural bonds and patterns that we have been raised in? Is it possible to really live today? Is it possible to have small dreams that can be planned, executed, and achieved each day? I believe it is, but not without prayer and discipline, and a little bit of determination.