When we get married, we enter into the marriage with a certain form of luggage. This luggage is the most harmful to a relationship and its name is expectation. We all have them...and we all make assumptions based off of them.
It was 10 years into my marriage that I received this tool. My marriage was in a season of atrophy and pain and was in great danger of being dissolved. My husband and I were both scrambling to hold ourselves together during this trying time, and God introduced us to a couple that had walked a similar path that we were now experiencing. We did not know this couple at all. On top of that, they lived 2500 miles away. My husband had spent the weekend prior and now, it was my turn to open my life to someone I had never met and seek what wisdom God had for me.
It was about 36 hours into my time with Eldon and Judy and we had already covered some serious ground. This powerful tool came to me as we were in the car, discussing some painful events, when suddenly Judy leaned back and said "Expectations murder people." I felt like I had been punched in the gut! After a moment of awkward silence, I asked "Isn't that a little harsh?" She looked at me and said "No." You see, when we have expectations, spoken or not spoken, when a person does not live up to those expectations, we get angry, frustrated, discontent, hurt and so on. Aside from what goes on inside of us, we begin to express these feelings, intentionally or not, to the person that did not live up to them. This can be manifested in a number of ways, but more often than not, our relationship begins to suffer because they feel like they are not good enough for us. This begins a vicious cycle of them trying to live up to our expectations and us either growing more frustrated when they can't meet our expectations, or us realizing that our expectations weren't what we really needed to "fix" us! We begin to place new expectations on that person and the cycle begins all over again!
And you know what? I take that statement one step further and say: Expectations murder others, and they murder me too. You see, placing an expectation on someone is an attempt to get my own percieved needs met. Expectations are self-seeking, never for the benefit of both parties. I murder myself when I place expectations on others because others can't fulfill or fix me. To put it more simply, when I place expectations on others, I wind up spinning my tires and grow more and more frustrated and discontent with those in my life. Someone once told me that when I realize that I cannot control what others do or how they will respond, I empower myself to make choices that lead to joy and contentment, peace and satisfaction. It is crucial to every marriage that we remember that the only way to have a positive outcome of every circumstance is taking responsibility for our own attitudes and choices, and realizing that the only power we really have is over our choices. Remember that we can always check our choices against the love chapter to be sure that we are empowering ourselves and ensuring a positive outcome for ourselves those we care most about.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Easing The Cleaning
Cleaning. It's a necessary evil that, some days, I am okay with and other days, I would rather hide from. In the midst of my journey, I have found a few things that have made my cleaning much easier and much more tolerable!
Before February, I had been home schooling the children and working almost full time. Needless to say the house became increasingly cluttered and more unmanageable. When I suddenly found my life in shambles, I was able to resign my position, send my son to school, and begin to get my house in order. It became very healing for me to do this, as God was not only cleaning out the "house" of my marriage, but my physical house as well.
It began with my bedroom. My best friend came over and we went through everything in the entire room. We organized, donated, and threw away so many things...things that hadn't been touched, used, or worn for longer than I could remember. It felt so good to purge and over the next three months, I began purging each room of the house. The result was a house where I knew where things were and if someone was planning on dropping by, I could have the house cleaned up in 20 minutes, sometimes less!
But, through this process, I learned several tips that help me manage and keep the house orderly. The basics are as follows:
* Empty the dishwasher in the morning so that throughout the day you can put used dishes in right away.
*If the kitchen sink is clean, the rest of the kitchen looks clean! As you cook, wash used large dishes right away...the things that won't be put in the dishwasher.
*If the beds are made, the rooms look clean! Make the bed right when you get up.
*Your bedroom should be your "safe room". If the rest of the house is messy, your room should be a peaceful retreat that you can go to and recharge. This also helps with ensuring a positive and healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. When I get up in the morning, I make the bed and then do some general pick up. It doesn't take long to throw clothes that are in the floor into the hamper and push shoes into the closet. I also remove any children's toys that may have found their way into my room. Lastly, I open the curtains/blinds, and put anything (jewelry, books, pens, etc.) that may have been placed on the dresser in their appropriate places so that the dressers and night stands are neat and tidy. I also make sure that there are not baskets of clean laundry sitting in my room, so that there are no reminders of housework gone unfinished. These 5 minute clean ups have enhanced my relationship with my husband, not just sexually, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally as well.
*Have the kids help you pick up the living room daily. My husband says our home is a safe haven for him now because of this 10 minute activity. We often make a game out of it. Sometimes we pretend we are tornadoes to see how fast we can do it. Other times I will give the kids a grocery bag and see who can fill theirs first or fill the most bags. (Each bag of toys is then emptied into the toy box.) I do, however, often give each child a task. Someone gets all the shoes, someone picks up the trash, someone focuses on toys, etc.
*Do a thorough cleaning of the bathroom once a week. One or two days, wipe the sink and swish the toilet. I also daily put things that wind up on the counter away. This again takes 2-5 minutes and saves you headache later.
*Go through a purge process of each room. You will find after it is complete that you can clean a room up in 15 minutes when the room is free from clutter and junk. I have also limited the amount of items I have sitting around. I detest dusting and have found that my rooms look just as nice with one or two items on the surfaces as if there was a lot of things there. Less is more!
I'd be happy to hear what you think, and any other ideas that have worked for your family when it comes to easing the cleaning!
Before February, I had been home schooling the children and working almost full time. Needless to say the house became increasingly cluttered and more unmanageable. When I suddenly found my life in shambles, I was able to resign my position, send my son to school, and begin to get my house in order. It became very healing for me to do this, as God was not only cleaning out the "house" of my marriage, but my physical house as well.
It began with my bedroom. My best friend came over and we went through everything in the entire room. We organized, donated, and threw away so many things...things that hadn't been touched, used, or worn for longer than I could remember. It felt so good to purge and over the next three months, I began purging each room of the house. The result was a house where I knew where things were and if someone was planning on dropping by, I could have the house cleaned up in 20 minutes, sometimes less!
But, through this process, I learned several tips that help me manage and keep the house orderly. The basics are as follows:
* Empty the dishwasher in the morning so that throughout the day you can put used dishes in right away.
*If the kitchen sink is clean, the rest of the kitchen looks clean! As you cook, wash used large dishes right away...the things that won't be put in the dishwasher.
*If the beds are made, the rooms look clean! Make the bed right when you get up.
*Your bedroom should be your "safe room". If the rest of the house is messy, your room should be a peaceful retreat that you can go to and recharge. This also helps with ensuring a positive and healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. When I get up in the morning, I make the bed and then do some general pick up. It doesn't take long to throw clothes that are in the floor into the hamper and push shoes into the closet. I also remove any children's toys that may have found their way into my room. Lastly, I open the curtains/blinds, and put anything (jewelry, books, pens, etc.) that may have been placed on the dresser in their appropriate places so that the dressers and night stands are neat and tidy. I also make sure that there are not baskets of clean laundry sitting in my room, so that there are no reminders of housework gone unfinished. These 5 minute clean ups have enhanced my relationship with my husband, not just sexually, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally as well.
*Have the kids help you pick up the living room daily. My husband says our home is a safe haven for him now because of this 10 minute activity. We often make a game out of it. Sometimes we pretend we are tornadoes to see how fast we can do it. Other times I will give the kids a grocery bag and see who can fill theirs first or fill the most bags. (Each bag of toys is then emptied into the toy box.) I do, however, often give each child a task. Someone gets all the shoes, someone picks up the trash, someone focuses on toys, etc.
*Do a thorough cleaning of the bathroom once a week. One or two days, wipe the sink and swish the toilet. I also daily put things that wind up on the counter away. This again takes 2-5 minutes and saves you headache later.
*Go through a purge process of each room. You will find after it is complete that you can clean a room up in 15 minutes when the room is free from clutter and junk. I have also limited the amount of items I have sitting around. I detest dusting and have found that my rooms look just as nice with one or two items on the surfaces as if there was a lot of things there. Less is more!
I'd be happy to hear what you think, and any other ideas that have worked for your family when it comes to easing the cleaning!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
What is Love?
Love is the greatest! Did you know that? It is not just a warm fuzzy feeling that you get around a certain someone. When you stand before God and pledge your love and your lives to each other, you're saying some pretty heavy words! I believe that love is another way of saying, "No Matter What".
1 Corinthians 13 is called the love chapter. It puts what love is into simple, tangible actions that can we can utilize to show our spouse how much we really do love them. Let's see what the New Living Translation says about love:
"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
I like the NLT for its bluntness. Whenever I read this, I am moved deeply to strive for these portrayals of love! I am also twinged with pangs of sadness for the times when I have not chosen love as an expression to those that I really do love deeply.
My good friend Judy once told me that if I am impatient, I should pray for more love because love is patient. If I am unkind, I should pray for more love, because love is kind. If I am hopeless, I should pray for more love because love endures every circumstance and is hopeful! You see, when we struggle or are in conflict, the best thing we can do is to continually ask the Lord for more and more of His love. Love is everything good in our lives! 1 Corinthians 14:1a NLT says "Let Love be your highest goal".
In the good times and bad, continually ask God for more and more love to come from Him and be put into action by you. No matter what.
1 Corinthians 13 is called the love chapter. It puts what love is into simple, tangible actions that can we can utilize to show our spouse how much we really do love them. Let's see what the New Living Translation says about love:
"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous, or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
I like the NLT for its bluntness. Whenever I read this, I am moved deeply to strive for these portrayals of love! I am also twinged with pangs of sadness for the times when I have not chosen love as an expression to those that I really do love deeply.
My good friend Judy once told me that if I am impatient, I should pray for more love because love is patient. If I am unkind, I should pray for more love, because love is kind. If I am hopeless, I should pray for more love because love endures every circumstance and is hopeful! You see, when we struggle or are in conflict, the best thing we can do is to continually ask the Lord for more and more of His love. Love is everything good in our lives! 1 Corinthians 14:1a NLT says "Let Love be your highest goal".
In the good times and bad, continually ask God for more and more love to come from Him and be put into action by you. No matter what.
The Wedding
So this is it, right? We're face to face at the alter... getting married! I'm thinking "oh, yeah! FINALLY!" I've waited so long and it can only be good from here on out!" Right? Maybe not. I got married when I was 20. And, yes, at that point it was all happiness and optimism. The problem is that I lacked many of the tools I needed to keep my marriage maintained and in consistent good working order. These tools were crucial to keeping my marriage from becoming monotonous, ritualistic, stagnant, and just plain hard.
My tool box is slowly getting filled up with useful items, items that keep me moving forward, positive, and keep our marriage fresh and growing. As I get more tools, I realize how many I am still lacking. Each day I pray that God will give me a new tool for my toolbox, so that I can keep growing.
Hello, World!
Over the last few months, I've been on a very scary and very tiring, yet somehow very awesome journey. I'd like to share what I learn in hopes that others may benefit and grow from my experiences. Why else do we go through pain and trial but to learn, grow, and share with others?
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